Did I say things were going well? That’s not entirely true. Of course, there are many wonderful aspects, but let’s not kid ourselves. This is really, really hard. Balancing two kiddos needs without feeling any shred of guilt or inadequacy must be virtually impossible. I have no idea WHAT I AM GOING TO DO WHEN JAY GOES BACK TO WORK.
Last Wednesday night Jay was doing laundry and picking up a few groceries during dinner and bath time. Probably a poorly executed decision on our part, but things needed to get done after enjoying our afternoon in the city at the Children’s Museum of the Arts. After all, I better get used to doing all of that on my own. Luckily I had my homemade enchiladas to quickly heat up, but then I attempted to give Theo a bath while simultaneously nursing a fussy Ruby. That didn’t go well. Luckily Theo is able to bathe on his own (at least play) while I sit in there, but there was no way he was really getting his hair washed or anything like that. He always gets a bit uneasy when I’m hanging around with a crying baby, and frankly, I can understand. Once out of the bath he did help me get his pajamas on, but that was after I gave him a talk about how much I love him and how I know this is difficult to get used to… that I’m trying hard to balance everything and care for both of my children and I really need his help now. Insert: guilt.
Jay got home soon thereafter to take over teeth brushing and we all hopped in Theo’s bed for stories. That worked out well as Ruby was napping (surprisingly not on me) so I could really read with Theo and he was out pretty quickly, although later than would be ideal due to all of the above. There have been many nights where Ruby is fussy right during story time and I’m nursing her and soothing her in the other room while Jay is handling stories and bedtime. Sometimes I can nurse Ruby, or she can sleep on me, during stories but Theo will often say “can you put baby Ruby down?” or “can you put Ruby in the Rock n’ Play sleeper?”. Again, insert: guilt.
Ruby has been fussy pants in the evenings on and off and I’m often uncertain as to whether she is getting enough milk or if it’s something else. Is she just hungry? Is she having tummy issues? Is she cold? Need swaddled? Dirty diaper? Overtired? All of the above? Enter: inadequacy.
Then Jay and Theo went to Cleveland on Friday morning. I had the whole weekend to spend one-on-one with Ruby and to not feel like I had to balance everything. It’s been really nice, don’t get me wrong. Sleeping in with Ruby leisurely, watching movies on my computer DURING THE DAY and just not dealing with all that big kid stuff. Man did I miss them and all those big kid things. Ruby certainly gave me a run for my money this weekend. I haven’t showered in days, barely ate and just barely brushed my teeth each day. We also endured a couple lengthy crying sessions and instances where I swear I tried everything.
I know what you’re thinking. This is all normal baby stuff. Get over it and put your big girl pants on and enjoy every freakin’ moment because it’s so damn fleeting. Well, that is true. And that is what I’m doing. Eating up every moment with this sweet, tiny baby girl. It doesn’t make it any less hard, though. And that’s the truth, okay?
I have to say, though, with the challenges came learning. I learned Ruby’s cues more deeply this weekend. I was also reminded of how much Jay does for me and for our family.
Anyhow, the other half of my family should be home within the hour and I can’t wait to give them both big hugs and kisses. I know Theo had a great time seeing, for the most part, his whole family. Towards the end he started to miss Mama and he called me to say he was “sick home” again. This is the longest we have ever been away from each other. A good thing, of course, but I can’t wait until the family is reunited… craziness and all.